Something worth remembering, a beautiful end to a beautiful day in Seattle.
For the amount of thinking, introspectiv-ing and resolving I do, its amazing how much (and sometimes how quickly) I forget the profound (to me) revelations I have. I implement something for a time in order to create a new habit until the next shiny object (revelation or discovery) comes along to kick it out of the way, off my plate and into the back corners of my mind, awaiting rediscovery. Maybe I am just slow or maybe that is just the way that things get learned, you get it when you get it.
Over the weekend, I was up in Seattle enjoying family, friends, food and fun. One of my dearest (and most favorite) friends and I had an intensely deep conversation in the space of 2 minutes in a casual manner one might assume would be saved for talking about the weather. She essentially that she was looking forward to finally getting it, figuring it all out, having it all click. I said one of the hardest illusions to break is the idea that there is a penultimate moment of "figuring it out", that there is indeed a definitive moment in which ones life turns on a dime and becomes different because of a single thought or revelation. It took me a long time to get over the same idea. I wanted there to be a "cue the music, roll the credits" moment. And then I realized that life, no matter the revelations or discoveries or changes you make for better or for worse, just keeps on going. Life goes on, things change, there are highs, there are lows but in the end there is not one single key. Not to happiness, not to life. If anything, the "key' is just to live. Live your life. 2 minutes conversation over, time for a burger.
Even as we were having the conversation, the words that were coming out of my mouth were shaking off cobwebs. They had been forgotten somewhere in my mind, in my psyche, already discovered then forgotten. I fell into old habits, felt old anxieties, guilts, patterns. But when I opened my mouth to respond to her, they came back. I remembered, I believed and I found peace. These reminders a good thing.
I remember walking through the snow a year ago with Frog, Frog the crazy dog (my greyhound), I was very depressed about something and the only thing that I could think to make myself feel better was, "In ten years, I won't even remember this moment. In ten years, everything will have changed". That was not some bold resolution or statement. In the space of ten years, even the most resistant to change people, change. Time simply passing without any other action changes a person and since we are conscious beings, it changes us a lot. Even in a year, things are incredibly, drastically, profoundly different. I don't even remember the depths of sadness or emotion I was feeling then. Sometimes forgetting is a good thing.
For the last few months of training and life, I have been working incredibly hard. I have run numerous 100+ mile weeks, ate healthy, been smart and on top of things. And yet, I have not really been feeling good. If anything, I feel like I am back to where I was in the twilight days of my veganism. Training hard, eating healthfully and tired as a corpse and not seeing results that my training and diet would indicate. I realized then that I needed to start eating meat again. I did, I felt better. Wahoo. Problem gone! Energy returned. Training gains achieved. I have the type of constitution that thrives off a diet consisting of fruits, vegetables and meats (and fats) and all parts of that are necessary.
But somewhere over the past year, I started eating less meat again. I would eat meat when dining out or special occasions, but slowly and surely meat dropped out of my diet for the most part until I was having it only 2-3 days a week. And lo and behold, for the last few months (since November) I have been feeling like dirt. My energy is low, my body composition is not changing (for the better) and my training gains appear lack luster. Today I realized that in an effort to work towards my training goals that I have been more strict about my diet during the week and basically eliminated meat during the week. My logic was poor on this choice as somehow I decided that regular meat consumption just meant added calories to my diet, when the fact of the matter is, I eat less when I eat meat (because I am satisfied). I eat meat on the weekends or if I dine out, but in comparison to my needs from training, it is not enough, especially in the last month. I don't think I need a lot, but I need to have a modest portion on a nearly daily basis. If that means I need to swap out something else to make room on my plate, so be it. It WILL make a huge difference. No wonder I feel so good at the beginning of the week and crap by the weekend, I have eat meat on the weekends and not during the week. Thus, I need to eat meat and be good about including it in my diet. Remembering is a good thing.
Reminders, forgetting, remembering. We get it and then forget it, until we don't anymore. Life continues. I think that is pretty cool.
beef bourguignon, duh.